Caring
by wanderingsmith
Summary: J/C, just a sweet interlude


Caring

_By Wanderer (Wandering Smith)_

_August2000_

_Summary: PG J/C - Just a sweet interlude._

_Rating: G_

_Disclaimers: As it is thought, so let it be as said… You make the toys, I play with them._

_This is just something I came up with on a trip we took recently. I can't seem to get a feel for the feelings involved; it was more the imagery that stuck in my head._

_When I first started, I was aiming for something that would have a chance of appearing on screen (you know, no more obvious than the Angry Warrior). Don't know why, I usually make a point, to myself and others, that if I wanted reality I'd read the paper, or in this case, watch the show, not buy a book (you know what the damn things cost?) or in this case, spend the time on the 'net (again, $$$$)._

_However, as usual with the stories I get in my head, they all seem to turn into sagas._

_Oh, well. Here it is._

_With the much appreciated and needed help of Eva (viel danke Eva!), this story has been given a slight revamp, trying to work out some of the wrinkles.. however, it is still a work in progress, so do not hesitate to send quibles right along with other comments. Honest opinions wanted. Please. I can take it._

_I hope… g_

_A moment out of time_

_(okay, I agree: whoever does her hair on the show now ought to be taken out at midnight and shot!)_

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Carrying the latest report for the Captain, Chakotay frowns when she doesn't immediately respond to the chimes. After confirming her location, he rings her Ready-Room again. Then tries hailing her badge.

When she still doesn't answer, he uses his override to enter. He walks in, expecting her to give him Hell for intruding, only to find the Captain fast asleep on her desk. Grinning wickedly at what she'd say to being caught this way, he walks silently to her chair, dropping the PADD he held onto her desk.

He tries very slightly to shake her awake, then suddenly notices just how tired she looks and sighs "Kathryn…". She obviously hadn't had even one decent night's sleep during the month she spent in negotiations on the Zatorian homeworld. Probably hadn't eaten properly either. He halted the instinct to smooth the hair off her forehead.

After weighing the risks involved against his instincts, he tenderly picks her up and murmurs: "Computer. Site-to-site transport. Two to the Captain's quarters. Authorization Chakotay Lambda Omega. Energize."

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"Computer, lights at one quarter."

He made is way through the darkened quarters, into the bedroom. Set her on the bed, then pulled back the covers and shifted her onto the sheets. As he started to move away, she mumbled what might have been his name. He froze, then realized she was still asleep.

_Why do you do this to yourself_, he thought as he watched her face; worried, even in sleep.

But he knew. Her crew. Her ship. What they needed, she gave, and more, until she lost herself; and still she refused support.

Or, more to the point, she refused his support. She thought there were strings attached and didn't want deal with them. But there weren't any… right?

Standing over her for a moment, he closed his eyes. Tried to look within himself for the truth.

_Damn. Was she right all along?_

And from somewhere the answer came to him. _Yes_. Ever since they'd been alone on New Earth, a part of him had been waiting for, expecting, something.

Acknowledgment? Reciprocation? It didn't matter; it was more than she could give him here; and HE KNEW THAT dammit!

He looked at her now. Realized he'd better make his peace with himself, because she needed him, AS A FRIEND, needed to lean on someone.

And he'd pledged her his life…

He hesitated, then pulled the covers over her. For once giving his feelings free rein as he watched her; examining and cherishing her as he never could while she was awake.

He memorized every line and shade of her face, knowing he would need it to remember in the years ahead. She needed a friend, but nothing more. And the only way he could give her that was if he truly accepted reality. And the only way to do THAT was to lock away the part of himself that needed more than she could give; lock it away with the memory of seeing her vulnerable in sleep, of holding her for a few precious minutes.

He slowly forced himself to turn away, knowing he wouldn't be getting any sleep this night. On his way out, he called for the computer to reset her alarm by 24 hours, seal her quarters and reroute all her communications to himself.

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She wasn't sure what woke her up. She'd been so exhausted last night.. Kathryn bolted upright, the input from her senses having just registered.

She was in her bed. She didn't remember leaving her Ready Room. She was still dressed. Her jacket and boots were gone.

"Computer, how long have I been in this room?"

"Captain Janeway has been in her quarters 13.4 hours"

"What!" As she threw her legs over the edge of the bed, a PADD on her nigh table caught her eye. She didn't remember putting a PADD there, either.

_'I couldn't bear to wake you._

_I rearranged the schedule so you can take the day off. I'll take the watch._

_Trust me'_

She swallowed the sudden lump in her throat. Without even closing her eyes she could see his face as it was whenever they were alone. Dark eyes crinkling at her in silent laughter, lips quirking, almost smiling. It felt so near and real.. she could just reach up and stroke the black feather he wore for his father…

Getting up in a hurry and crossing to the washroom, she called briskly, "Computer. Time."

"It is 1323 hours."

"Damn," she said, without any real heat. She remembered sitting at her desk reading the ship's logs from the month she'd been gone. The last time she'd checked it had been 1900. She'd obviously fallen asleep. In her Ready Room. And Chakotay had caught her at it. Double damn.

She smiled wryly and muttered, 'I guess I should count myself lucky it wasn't the Doctor.' She shuddered at the very thought of the lecture she would have gotten.

She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, suddenly wondering just how he'd gotten her from the Ready Room to her quarters. Her eyes widened, he wouldn't.. no, of course he wouldn't. She walked to her console and reviewed the transporter logs from 2400 hours. Yes, there it was. 'Of course he wouldn't carry you through the halls Kathryn! He's a Starfleet officer too… And he knows you would never stand for such a display.' She ignored the small voice that wondered what she'd missed by sleeping… And hoped no one happened to look at the logs.

Which still left him carrying her to bed and partially undressing her… No, he was looking out for her, just like he always did. When she let him. Or didn't know to stop him, in any case.

As she undressed and headed for the shower, his features still fresh in her mind, she wondered what she could do to let him know she appreciated what he did. Without sending the wrong message.

As she let the hot water sluice over her, she wished for the millionth time that they could be home, that they didn't have the spectre of HAVING to work together for years to come. Not just on the same ship; together, one-on-one, day in and day out. No chance to go their own ways if something happened. The whole crew counting on them to work together, to make the right choices for them. The almost constant threats and lack of allies…

"Enough, Kathryn! It's not meant to be. Forget about what-ifs. Concentrate on getting everyone home. Preferably in one piece."

By the time she left her quarters for a late lunch in the Mess, her thoughts were back on wrapping up the last details from their dealings with Zatar.. and on what the Maestro might be doing these days.

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Chakotay allowed his shoulders to slump as he entered his darkened quarters. He was thankful Kathryn took the time off; but 16 hours on double duty make for a long shift.

Especially after spending the night trying to make peace with himself. Even with his spirit guide to help, it left him feeling like he was killing a part of himself.

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself, old man. Get on with life. You haven't lost her. Your going to spend the rest of your life standing by her. She might even let you into her worries now." His little pep talk seemed to hang in the air of his quarters, not doing an iota to help him to find his centre. He signed, decided to change and then spend some more time with his guide.

When he returned to the living room, he stopped short. There was a mug on his table; one he had never seen before, let along put there. "Computer, has someone entered these quarters in the last 5 minutes?" "Negative"

He stepped forward, slowing when he recognized the aroma coming from the drink.

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He looked groggily into the living area. "What are you still doing up?" he asked, his voice husky with sleep.

Kathryn looked up sheepishly, "I'm sorry I woke you. I just can't seem to sleep, so I thought I'd do some work on these insect traps rather than tossing and turning."

He signed and mumbled to himself as he walked to the counter. He set some water to boil and pulled a tin from the back of the cupboard. Watched her out the corner of his eye as he waited. A few minutes later, he plopped the mug of tea on the table. "You need to sleep Kathryn. I found some herbs similar to ones I remember my mother using. This'll get you relaxed enough to sleep in no time. Come on, I swear it's safer than Leola root." He added with a grin.

Kathryn gave him a suspicious look, then took a sip. "Hum, this isn't bad, actually." He gave her a tired smile; knowing full well she didn't believe it would help her relax. He just shook his head at her, told her to get to bed and made his way back to his own alcove.

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As he picked up the mug and inhaled, his eyes closed. He hadn't been able to find the tin on the day they left. He didn't remember if he'd asked her about it. Probably not, they'd both been working so hard at returning to Captain and First Officer.

After taking a reverent sip, he walked to the couch. Feeling something odd brush hi knuckles, he looked more closely at the mug itself. It was decidedly irregular, like something a youth would make in art class. Then he felt the designs inscribed on the surface. Calling for one half lights, he slowly turned the cup to follow the shapes. Once he'd seen all of it, he just sat there, a soft smile on his face.

He absentmindedly turned the lights back off and continued to sit there, holding his new treasure loosely in his lap. There was only one person who'd give him such a mug, let along the tea. But what really touched him, was to realize that he wasn't the only one who spend too much time looking. For her to be able to reproduce his tattoo in that detail, right down to the wrinkles from his forehead…

It didn't change anything, he knew that. She wanted him to know she knew. Knew, and cared for him too. Sitting there in the dark, he found that in a strange, convoluted sort of way, this actually made it easier for him to put his feelings aside.

If she cared, than there was a reason to make the effort; if she could trust him enough, she might come to let him help him shoulder the load. Let him in closer..

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He woke the next morning still sitting on the couch, the cup miraculously unspilled. He discovered the crick in his neck at the same time he realized he must be late for bridge duty.

"Computer. Time," as he slowly started to raise his head,

"It is 1204 hours."

"What!" Chakotay's eyes went wide. "Computer, why didn't my alarm sound?"

"Commander Chakotay's alarm was reset at 2346."

"On whose authorization," Chakotay asked, confused now.

"Captain Janeway's"

After absorbing this new piece of information, Chakotay very slowly inched himself upright, setting his tea on the coffee table. Wondering when he'd gotten so old, he reminded himself to never again fall asleep sitting up. Stifling another groan, he was about to tap his combadge when he noticed a piece paper on his table. 'Paper?' As he picked it up, he realized the mug had been sitting on it.

_'With my life, my ship and our crew.'_

He took a slow, deep breath, then another, "Chakotay to Janeway". He was glad to hear only a trace of huskiness in his voice.

Kathryn raised her head from the console between their chairs, "Janeway here.", "Enjoying your day off Commander?", she said with a smile.

"Captain. Ah.. yes Captain, very much."

"I'll expect you on the bridge tomorrow at 0800."

"Aye, aye Captain. And thank you."

This time she clearly heard the change in his tone, she knew he wasn't talking about letting him sleep. "Anytime," she replied softly, trying to ignore the interested looks from her bridge crew.

"Something amusing Mr. Paris?", she asked with a low-level glare.

"Ah.. no Captain, nothing at all," Tom turned around before she could press the issue.

A month later, Kathryn was damned glad she'd taken a risk and given him the last of her cache of sleepytime. He'd shown up refreshed and almost smiling the next day. And yet, then, and in all the time since, she'd come to notice a subtle difference in him. Not distance, he stood as close behind her and he still nagged her to eat and sleep. But she didn't feel his eyes on her like before, his smiles didn't try to entice her.

She was relieved. Almost. As she listened to him talk about Neelix's latest morale booster, she reminded herself sternly to forget the imagined feel of his skin, the strength of his heartbeat...

END?

I really had a hard time writing the Captain here, not sure why.

Comments? Recommendations? Compliments? g (barrage me enough and I might actually sit down and finish that sequel...) Canadian Wanderer

I started a sequel called "Tests", but I freely admit I stopped too long ago, not likely I'll return to it.


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